I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
