On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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