can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
