I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
