I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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