So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
