There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We are two peas in an std pod
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
