When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
this hospital has no fireball
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
