Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
