After last night, I could never be a politician.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
