I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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