I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
