So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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