Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
