How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
