I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
