Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
