I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
