i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
