I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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