Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
