Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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