I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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