White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
