We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
