Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
