omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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