hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Randomize
