yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
