you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
