They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
