I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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