Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
