my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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