I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
