I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
