4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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