I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Found the puke drawer
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
