I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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