if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
