How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
