Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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