I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
