I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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