There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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