I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
