There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
