Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
