I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
