He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
